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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
 

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Discussion Starter · #2 ·
Camping with Sherlock Homes and Dr.Watson

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, and after finishing their dinner they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." "I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" exclaims Watson. "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?" "Watson, you idiot!" he exclaims, "Somebody's stolen our tent!"
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
the 2 hunters

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
A pair of Golfers

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
NASA and the Russians


When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.
The Russians used a pencil.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
At the Doctors appointment


This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Ducks, elephants and fires


Why do ducks have webbed feet?
[FONT=trebuchet ms,arial,helvetica]To stamp out fires.[/FONT]
[FONT=trebuchet ms,arial,helvetica]
Why do elephants have flat feet?
[/FONT]
[FONT=trebuchet ms,arial,helvetica]To stamp out burning ducks
[/FONT]
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Mental Discharge

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That's not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.
The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That's it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Bar Sh!t Talking


Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!
The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
slow as a turtle


A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.
The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don't know, it all happened so fast.”
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip. I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: 'Could you please pass the butter?' But instead I said: 'You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life."
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price." The dog replied, "But that would make no sense at all!"
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
There once was a guy who worked at a watermelon stand. A guy came up to him and asked "How much for that watermelon?" So he said "I don't know." He went to his boss and his boss said "Your suppsoed to say 50 cents." Another guy comes up and asks "How much for that watermelon?" "50 cents." "Is it fresh?" "I don't know." He goes to his boss again and his boss says "Your suppsoed to say 'Fresh,Fresh,Fresh!'" Another guy comes up and asks "How much for that watermelon?" "50 cents." Is it fresh?" "Fresh,Fresh,Fresh!" "What if I don't buy it?" "I don't know." So he goes to his boss again and he says "Your suppsoed to say 'If you don't,someone else will.'" Then a robber comes up and asks "How much is in your bank account?" "50 cents." "Are you being fresh with me?" "Fresh,Fresh,Fresh!" "Can I shoot you?" "If you don't,someone else will."
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
A guy walks into his doctor's office and says, "Ddddoc, I've bbbeen sssttttuttering ffor yyears and III'm tired of it. Ccccan yyyou hehehelp mmme???"

The doc says, "Well, I'll have to examine you first before I can answer you."

The doc examines him and says, "Well, I'm pretty sure that I know what the problem is."

The guy asks, "wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc?"

The doc says,"It's your penis. It's about about 18 inches long and all of the down pressure is putting a strain on your vocal chords."

The guy asks, "Wwwhat ccan wwe ddo about it?"

The doc replies, "Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one. I can guarantee that the operation will cure your stuttering."

The guy says, "Dddo it!"

The guy has the operation and about four weeks later he comes back to the doctor's office and says, "Thanks Doc. You've solved my problem and I don't stutter any more but I've only had sex once in the past month. My wife doesn't enjoy it any more. I cannot satisfy her. She liked my long penis. I don't care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back one!"

The doc replies, "Nnnnope. A ddddeal's a ddddeal!"
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
one day this blonde fell from the roof of a 30 story buildig.10 storys down a man catches her and says "do u blow" and she says "no" so he droppes here.10 storys lower another man catches her and says "do u screw" and she says "no".10 storys done another man catches her and she quickly says "i blow and screw" and then the man goes "ewww" and drops her.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
One evening Terry went over to his boy, Tony's house to play cards with some friends. Terry sat directly across from Tony's wife. Terry dropped a card on the floor and bent down to pick it up. When he looked across the table he saw that Tony's wife had her legs open and no panties on. He sat up and was flushed so he went to the kitchen to get a drink of water. To his surprise Tony's wife had followed him into the kitchen and said, did you like what u saw?. Terry said, yes I do. She said, well u can get more than that for $500. Terry thought it over and said, ok. She said, come back tomorrow at 2:30, Tony will be at work. Terry came over & they had sex, he paid her and left. Later, Tony comes home and ask, has Terry been over here today? She said yes, thinking she had been caught. As a matter of fact he has. Tony says, good, because that fool came by my job this morning and borrowed $500 til this evening and said he would leave it with you.NOW THATS A TRUE PLAYER
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
A rich man reads in the paper that some people can make him get rid of 5 pounds in one day.
Excited by the proposition he goes and enters the place . There was a naked girl written on her boobs <<DO ME WHEN U CATCH ME>>. He ran after the girl all the day but he couldn't catch her.
He went home tired n saw that he had really lost 5 pounds, so he decides to go the next day n catch that girl whatever happens.
When the day comes , he goes into the same place , the same room but this time instead of the naked girl the was a naked gay BLACK DUDE written on his torce <<GUESS WHAT I'LL DO YA IF I CATCH YA>>.
 

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CRAP! No wonder you have a huge thread count! FyI some of these jokes, not all of them some of them need to be disposed of!
 
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