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A little bit of off road humor from Tellico (gone but not forgoten)


Ok, so you call yourself a 4 wheeler, eh? Well, there are ten rules you need to know about organized 4 wheeling. Some of us have lost our patience with yokels who REPEATEDLY show up ill-prepared, and that leads us to think that they have no consideration for anyone but themselves. So, you'll need to read this carefully, and we'll be able to tell by the expression on your face whether or not you recognize someone here. However, before you get to the rules, here are some mandatory bits of knowledge you will need to retain in order to comprehend the rules:


1. A 4 wheel drive will NOT go everywhere.

2· The only green that interests the Sierra Club is your money.

3· The Wilderness Society is a group example of what a lack of birth control can produce.

4· Consumer Reports is no more qualified to rate 4 wheel drives than Al Gore is qualified to perform brain surgery.

7· Dead cow on the seats lends an air of rustic adventurism only in the tiny minds of Madison Avenue.

8· Roof racks and light bars, no matter how appealing they may be to teenie boppers with 4WD's, do not belong where there are trees.

9· Chrome on a 4WD tells the world you're a road pansy. CHROME DONT GET YA HOME!

10· Real 4WDs and purebred non-working dogs do not go together. (See Land Rover Discovery, Range Rover, Mercedes, and Dead Cow)

11· A Land Cruiser is NOT a Jeep. Let us bow our heads and give thanks.

12· Toyota. Everything was going great and then came the IFS.

13· Tacoma. A neutered Hi-Lux. In the rest of the world it has a real front axle.

14· Lexus 450. A neutered Land Cruiser.

15· A BMW X5 is NOT an off-road vehicle.

16· Same can be said for that Mercedes soccer mom thingie.

17· Ford. A place for arrogant morons to get jobs as service writers. When the warranty ends, they can suddenly fix it for lots of money.

18· Ford F-series. Great Diesel (because they don't make it), bad automatic, and can you believe they think a Dana 50 is adequate for a 7500 lb truck?

19· Ford Explorer. Not only is it not an off-road vehicle, it's not a vehicle. It's a test. At Ford, Job 1 is exploring your wallet.

20· Ford Escape. Its only usefulness so far is that the Insurance Institute uses it for crash tests.

21· An Isuzu Trooper is not an off-road vehicle either, but it is reliable. You'll need this to shuttle parts for your Jeep and maybe make a little money providing rides for Explorer owners.

22· Suzuki Samuri. Zucchini Somersault. You can build one helluva little woods machine outta these things.

23· Suzuki Sidekick and Vitara. Now then, tell me again what we were trying to build?

24· Honda CRWhatever. If God had intended for Honda to build 4x4's, he'd have given them more information. That's why they sell relabled Rodeos.

25· Range Rover. A vehicle for people who don't have to deal with reality. You can have a helluva 4WD for the price of a Range Rover. And think of the money you’ll save on manicures, Rolex watches, and smarmy Italian shoes, etc.

26· Mercedes Unimog. Big because it has to be big to haul that much testosterone.

27· Land Rover Discovery. A wannabe with some potential, but you can't
get it outta Park unless the wine and cheese cooler is stocked and the soccer balls are secured.

28· Hummer. The crate a TJ comes in. Neat crate. Beware the exploding t-case.

29· Jeep Wrangler TJ. Real 4WD potential if modified, but in stock form, the steering can't be unlocked unless you're under 25 and you're wearing a ball cap in the low intelligence (stupid) position.

30· There IS a bright spot with the demise of Oldsmobile: No more Bravadas.

31· Cadillac Escalade. A helluva lot of money to pay for a Tahoe.

32· Ditto for a Navigator and an Expedition.

33· Chevrolet. What can you say about a company that refers to a Gov-Lock as a locking differential, calls an extended cab a "4 door", and who doesn't offer a 4WD with a real front axle. Love that small block, though.

34· GMC. A Chevrolet by any other name is still a Chevrolet.

35· Suburban. Cargosaurus Soccermommius. Suburbosaurus. Big. Not for lower part of Trail 2.

36· Excursion. Humongosaurus Maximus. Also big. Also not for lower 2.

37· Dodge. Can you say "depreciation"? Dodges everything but a garage, especially with an auto trans behind that magnificent Cummins Diesel. At least it still has real AXLES.

38· Scout. That's what you'll be doing for parts.

39· International. This describes where you'll have to search for those parts.

40· Nissan Frontier. Leggos bodywork. Japanese for the phrase, "I couldn't afford a Toyota."

41· Mitsubishi. Who cares?

42· KIA. Nice try, but you gotta be under 5'5" to get in it.

43· Hyundai. They shoulda stuck with the day job.

44· Infiniti. Let's emasculate a Pathfinder by putting a funky grill and fake ground effect junk on it and we'll charge 25% more for it.

Now then, if you're a newbie and you've got the PROPER equipment but not the skills as yet, we'll fall all over ourselves helping you acquire them. Don't know anything about 4 wheeling and want to learn? Well, hitch a ride with one of us and we'll show you some of what this hobby is all about.

THE RULES

1 BRING SOMETHING THAT RUNS, FER GOD'S SAKE! ("But it looks real good."�) Do your maintenance at home, not on the trail. We don't want to see unsafe, cobbled-up workmanship, bald and half-azzed patched tires, no spare, fluid leaks, broken exhaust systems, ragged-running ignitions, choking-puking fuel systems, batteries secured with bungie straps, and no brakes. If you don't think the thing will make it to the liquor store and back, much less to the next oil change (assuming that you even bother to check the oil, and that it will hold oil for more than 4 hours), then leave the damned thing at home. It's one thing to break something while trail riding, but remember, we don't go to the trouble and expense to organize and attend a trip to the woods just to work on your piece of crap.

2 SAFETY GEAR. ("We're just goin' a short ways down the road, we ain't gonna be gone long, and it ain't rainin' that hard."�) A flashlight with GOOD batteries, gloves, a fire extinguisher, and a first aid kit. These and other items are REQUIRED in the federal OHV areas. You'll need that flashlight because no 4 wheeling trip ends as early as you told the wife it would, and we 4WDers are notorious for being out way after dark, especially if you have to walk out for help. Gloves should be good work-rated gloves with leather in the palm and finger area. Ski gloves and gardening gloves are totally inadequate. Proper clothing IS safety gear. Rain gear and spare clothing appropriate to the season are necessary, especially if you get wet, cold, or have to walk out, or maybe stay overnight. Don't be a stupid statistic just because you didn't think you'd be gone that long. Oh, and any medications you might need are a must, too. We're a long way from safety resources. When was the last time you saw an ambulance or fire truck on School Bus Hill? And did you know that the volunteer and professional rescue organizations are beginning to charge for services to people who get into costly rescue situations that could have been avoided?

3 SPARE TIRES, JACKS, TIRE TOOLS. ("We ain't goin' that far."�) These items are also required in the federal areas. The spare tire should be adequate for getting you home safely, not just outta the woods. Make sure it's adequate in size, and you could also be considerate enough to see that it is fully inflated and not leaking. And the jack and tire tool should FIT the vehicle in question, too. A Hi-Lift jack is highly recommended. Some of us are tired of encountering flat-tired vehicles equipped with 35's, an original jack intended for 215-75R15 tires, no tire tool, and if it's even got a spare, it's both too small and it's flat. If this is you, you're too dumb to be away from your mother. Did I mention gloves?

4 BRING STUFF THAT WILL GET YOU OUTTA THE WOODS AND, HOPEFULLY BACK TO CIVILIZATION ("I still got that 5 foot rope we used to tie up that collie dog last week, an' it ain't got but three knots in it where he chewed it."�) You need the basic hand tools and spare parts to make a basic repair so you can get home. Basic spare parts consist of belts, some fluids, a tire repair kit, repair/baling wire, electrical tape, duct tape, electrical wire, fuses, etc., and be sure to bring certain things that are prone to break on your vehicle. If you think these items are too costly or too much to bother with, you can't afford the hobby to begin with.
A. Basic recovery gear. Come equipped with real gloves, a shovel, a tow strap WITHOUT metal hooks, and REAL tow hooks or proper tow devices securely mounted to the vehicle. Don't come out with an old seat belt or one of those K-Mart tow ropes with the hooks on the ends, or your friendly Ace Hardware Man's "special-this-week"� log chain. The only chain adequate for taking the weight of your vehicle under stress is ½ inch proof coil rated chain or better. Why? Because under shock loads, cheap crap will kill you! A Hi-Lift jack is a piece of recovery gear, too. Get one.

B. Winches and come-alongs. Make sure these two items are adequately rated to do something besides kill or maim people. A 2000 lb boat winch and a 1500 lb come-along are NOT adequate for vehicle recovery. A Hi-Lift jack can be used as a come-along when you have the proper attachments. Get one. And don't handle a cable without gloves.

C. Winch Accessories. So, you got yourself a winch. Well, that's nice. If you didn't also purchase PROPERLY RATED clevises, snatch block, tree-saver, gloves, and at least one RATED hook-up chain, you're fooling no one but yourself. Cheap hardware store junk is not rated to do the job, and if it gives up and kills somebody, hopefully that somebody will only be you. IF THE EQUIPMENT IS NOT RATED TO DO THE JOB, LEAVE IT AT HOME!!! I don't intend to die on my favorite trail just because you're too cheap and self-centered to consider your safety or mine. And did I mention that you'll need some proper gloves?

5 VEHICLE CAPABILITY. ("I got 4 wheel drive. I kin go ennywhere",� or, "My Explorer is capable of incredible off-highway experiences, why, just last week I was on a gravel road",� or, "Dad just bought this Tahoe. Let's go down to the creek and see what it'll do."�) Look at the trail rating for the particular ride. If it says "winch needed"�, believe it. If you just acquired a winch and you think you're unstoppable, you need to read parts 4B and C again. We love telling you about 4 wheeling and passing some of our experience in your direction, after all, that's what this hobby is all about. Just don't show up for a 3.5+ rated trail in an new outta-the-box Grand Cherokee with street weenie tires and expect to go with us, especially if the thing is still clean, and even if you do have a good pair of gloves.

6 TRAIL ETTIQUETTE.
VISITORS. ("I ain't got no idea who them people are. They just asked me could they come along."�) If you invite 'em, you're responsible for 'em. If you can't vouch for them AND their vehicle's capability and take responsibility for their conduct, they don't ride. If they're rogues and you know they're rogues, tell a club officer or the trail leader.
If you're not a member and you found out about the ride from one of our members or the internet or an organization that the club is a part of, then get with that member, a club officer, or the trail leader and ASK if you can ride with us.

MONITORING. ("They was behind me, but I ain't seen 'em in a while."�) Keep the
vehicle that's behind you in sight. They just might be lost, or maybe something worse, like broken down, stuck, AND lost. And cussin' you.

NO WINCH? ("I don't need no winch. I got new tars."�) Try to position your ve-
hicle in line between two MEMBERS with winches. This way, potential problems (stucks) will hopefully be avoided, or at least shorter, and the ride will go smoother.

STUCKS. ("It ain't broke yet."�) The rule should be three tries and you pull the cable. Some of us wanna get a shot at this obstacle today. But, then again, sometimes it's nice to see somebody else get whipped by an obstacle you didn't make it past either.


7 ALCOHOL AND DRUGS. ("I don't even git to feelin' good till I done had at least a 12 pack, an' it don't 'fect my drivin' till I done had a case or so. You ain't got no weed, do ya?"�) Friends don't let friends drive drunk...apparently they ride with 'em. Strictly forbidden in federal areas and rightfully so. At Tellico and other federal OHV areas, your vehicle can be searched at anytime or any place within the OHV area. Mere possession of alcohol in the vehicle by the driver or the passengers is against the law "regardless of whether it's open or not". Some of us are fed up with drunks and dopeheads ruining our opportunities, so, if you just gotta have alcohol or drugs, stay the hell away from our rides & you're not welcome. In the campground alcohol is OK, if permitted, but no driving after drinking.

8 CHILDREN AND PETS. ("Aw, they ain't gonna be no trouble."�) Safety issue: children or pets - if you can't control 'em, leave 'em at home. If your children will obey you and can stay out of the way and allow us to concentrate on our driving skills, then bring them on. BUT, if you can't or won't control them, you need to leave them at home for their own safety. We don't go on trail rides to babysit your kids or pets, or to supply the parenting and disciplinary skills that you won't. Pets have no place on trail rides unless they're content to ride in the vehicle and will stay there until they're let out. If we have to watch out for your berserk children and dogs cavorting about, we can't enjoy what we came for. I would never intentionally run over any child or animal, but if I do accidentally run over your child or pet because you can't or won't control them, you are too irresponsible to deserve children or pets and my sympathy will be with the kids and the animals.

9 LITTERING. ("It's done, Throw it out."�) You brought it in, you haul it out, and then some. Neither the authorities nor the land owners will tolerate throwing trash about, and if your lack of consideration and social skills gets us thrown out of a trail area, I will go out of my way to make sure that you pay for it. THIS INCLUDES CIGARETTE BUTTS!!!

10 ELEGANT DRIVING. ("Let me hear that 4 barrel!") The sign of a skilled driver is one that can make the most difficult obstacle look easy. By using light throttle and a minimum of wheelspin and avoiding environmental damage. If all you can think of is "dang the carnage, full throttle ahead"�, you need to stay at home. Reckless driving will not be tolerated. Tread Lightly!
 

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LOL Hard to read with the accent LOL That was awesome
 
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